Just Be

I like to listen to music while I write. Tonight I am listening to “Catch The Wind” by Donovan, over and over while I smoke a few cigerettes with tears streaming down my face.

I came to a realization this evening. I have been searching and reading philosophy for many years now. Maybe 20 years on and off. I think I am done with thinking for now and trying to figure it all out. Too many religions and philosophies out there. It really doesn’t matter is the conclusion I came up with. Just be and enjoy this life as best as you can.

Everyone is searching and trying to find the answers to ease their pain. Life is short and it’s scary to think that as hard as it is, in the blink of an eye it can all end.

Even in my darkest days when I thought I wanted it to end, that is not really what I wanted. I just wanted the suffering to end, not life.

Life can be beautiful. And love is the greatest gift of all. Enjoy the things that make you happy! Whatever that is for you.

Life is not perfect. It may never be what you dream it to be. Do not get lost in your dreams. Because there are beautiful moments along the way that you may be missing because you keep reaching for something that you don’t have now.

As far as the next life, none of us really know now do we? Not until that time comes. We can pray, meditate, and speculate forever, but don’t loose this life thinking about the next. Live your life right now. For all we really have for now is now. So while you are here, make the best of it!


Life Is Short*Follow Your Heart

I wonder how many of us are in survival mode? I am sure there are different varying degrees of what this means.

For me, this is my current state of being. I have a job as a hairstylist.

I like my job enough. It was never my dream to be a hairstylist though. Like many other people, I work to pay the bills.

I always wanted more than just to work a regular job, pay the bills, have a couple days off and then go back to work and start it all over again.

Life is short. Tell me I am not the only one who wants more? Sometimes I feel so different from others around me. I used to think that everyone had big dreams. Somehow over time, my dreams are starting to slip away.

I am starting to loose them. Caught up in this merry-go-round of life, just surviving, barely making ends meet, no time or energy left over to pursue what I really love.

It would not be a such a hard pill to swallow if I had not lost so many years of my youth.

I am not where I want to be in life for my age. But maybe there is a reason that it all happened this way. Who knows?

My desire is to share my story in hopes to encourage others to follow what is in there heart.

I was never encouraged to follow my dreams or to do anything with my life for that matter. I was only encouraged to go to church and study the Bible.

I was baptized as an infant Catholic. My mother and father divorced when I was 8 years old. I was raised by my mother who remarried. My mother one day opened our door to Jehovah’s Witnesses and listened to what they were preaching. Then she began a Bible study with a husband and wife from the local Kingdom Hall of Jehovah’s Witnesses.

It was the summer before I started my senior year at high school that she insisted I start my own personal Bible study with a young girl who also was a Jehovah’s Witness. I vividly remember an incident that happened when I was in my bedroom with my neighbor friend. I told my mom I didn’t want to have my Bible study that night. She got so enraged she took this model ship which was sitting on a shelf on my bedroom wall which my grandfather made by hand and threw it across the room with such force that it shattered against the wall in a million pieces.

After that, I never refused to have my Bible study and went to church with my mother every Sunday. It was not long before I too was brainwashed.

Long story short, my youth was taken from me. I ended up having my first nervous breakdown at age 23 years old and was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder.

After years of praying for truth and reading alot of different spiritual philosophy, I was able to deprogram myself from that religion.

I sunk into a deep depression when I woke up one day and realized; I was married to a man I was not in love with, all I had to look forward to was going to church 3 times a week and going door to door to preach their message; I had a little baby to take care of, and I was not allowed to speak to my mother because she ran off with an elder from the congregation who was married to her friend. My mother was basically excommunicated from the very church she pushed me into. I was lost in this world that was not what I wanted for myself.

Their beliefs were ingrained in my head. I suffered nightmares for years after I left the organization. I was trapped in my own mind. It took me 20 years to completely deprogram myself.

As I look back, I thank God for letting me see the light.

Religion can be very dangerous. Man’s interpretation is just that, man’s interpretation.

I see very clearly now. It just still hurts sometimes that I was not allowed to take this gift that God gave me, my own life, and do what I wanted with it.

But it’s all good. Somehow there is a reason for what I went thru.

I want to shed light on the dangers or control that religion can have over people’s lives. Also, I want to shed light on mental illness, which even though it is inherited can be brought out as a result of extreme stress and trauma; the same as someone who is suspectable to having a heart attack because of high blood pressure or other inherited tendencies ends up having one because the stress at work was the ice that broke the camel’s back.

My search for truth was not easy to say the least. I feel as though I suffered a dark night of the soul coming out of what I did.

I battled mind control and mental illness for years. I have come a long way but as a result, I lost years of my life.

The best I can do with what I have learned from my experiences in life is to share my story a little at a time in hopes to help someone else.

Looking back, it as if the light has become much brighter. I want nothing more than to use the gifts God has given me and to help others do the same. Everyone has a story to tell. This is my story, my truth.