Mama

Saw that picture of me and you on Facebook. I’m doing much better now than I was then. I know you are suffering with depression now. I’ve been where you are. Don’t use the excuse that it’s your age. You can do anything you put your mind to! I did it and so can you. You can come out of this and feel better. Anti-depressants only help so much. The rest is up to us. Start with trying not to sleep so much. Exercise and eat better. Read good things that will inspire and uplift you. We never stop growing as a soul. Your body is getting old but your soul is even older…yet youthful full of spirit in it’s true nature. When we get depressed our energy or life force; our spirit, diminishes. That’s what it felt like for me. We all need to heal from things. You are no different than anyone else. You have emotional pain which you need to heal from. And your husband has pain too. That’s probably why he drinks so much. He is self medicating. Anyway, I wanted to say, “I love you mama!” And always have. I don’t blame you anymore for the past. Everything happens for a reason even though we may not understand right now. It’s all a part of our growth. I have learned this. It has not been easy but I have to admit…my life is much better and happier now than it was then, in that picture. I felt like a lost soul then. I have realized that we can’t just dream. To change our reality, we have to change our thinking. And everything takes hard work. I’ve learned to work hard. I just have to focus more on the things I love and enjoy that brings me the most happiness. We learn from each other. Even your sisters and their children’s pain can teach us things. And we can teach them too. I pray that we all heal and become happier as a family. We all came into each other’s life for a reason. You are a good woman. I admire your love and compassion for animals and all that you have done over the years to help them. They truly are innocent angels who need looking out for. They bring people so much love that they are like little angels incarnated. I heard a spiritual teacher once say something like our pets; cats and dogs, are of a higher vibration than us. They only know how to love unconditionally. How people treat them is part of the individuals state of being. If they are angry or uneducated or mentally ill in some way, they will not treat the animals with compassion. These harmful acts only come back to us in some way. This is Karma. Compassion is the main teaching of Buddishm. You have alot of love and compassion for all what Buddhists call, sentient beings. Even the smallest creature like a bug, I remember you setting them free.🐞 You taught me to love all people and to not be prejudice. You have a good heart. I learned many good things from you that are a part of me too. Thank you!! And don’t worry so much. I’m ok. I may not be exactly where I want to be in life at this time, but I’m on the road to getting there. 🙂

Love you lots!!😚

Your daughter

 

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Daughter

Just wanted to tell you how much I love you!!! And I am extremely proud of you!!! I miss you first and foremost. Just felt like writing to you and saying a few things that are deep in my soul. I have loved you forever and for all eternity. I wanted you before you were born. I don’t blame you for being distant with me. It’s not your fault. I blame myself. I was not mentally present when you were born. I was deeply depressed while I was pregnant with you. And just 6 months after you were born, I had my first and worst ever nervous breakdown. I’m not going to go into all the details of what happened and what pushed me over the edge. That is in the past. I just want you to know I am sorry for not being the mother you deserved. I should have held you more, kissed you more, played with you more, especially when you were a baby. I was a lost soul….I have many regrets. The biggest regret I have is that I did not appreciate the gift that God gave me, “You”!!  I was so deeply depressed and it made me very selfish. I was too busy thinking about myself, my anger over what happened to me with the religion, my anger at my own mother, and my lost dreams because of it all. I was so mentally ill that I could barely take care of myself. I was so ashamed of myself because of my illness and not being able to work during that time. I prayed so hard over the years for God to help me get better and for me to see things clearly. I had to search deep and hard because I was so confused about religion and what the truth really is. I never gave up my faith in God and never blamed him for the religion that was pushed on me. Anyway, I am so grateful and thankful that I never gave up. Although many times the depression was so deep, I wanted to. But I am so thankful I never did!!! I got better and better over time. As I look back, it’s hard to believe how far I have come considering what I have been thru. I just wanted you to know that I understand if you have anger towards me or pain because of me. I am so very sorry for this. I never meant to hurt you. I am so very sorry for causing your life to be harder than it should have been. If I could go back in time and be the happy healthier version of my true self, I would have been more present in your life mentally and emotionally. But I cannot go back in time and change what happened. Whatever emotional wounds I have caused you, I pray that you forgive me! Don’t carry that inside. You need to heal as well. I learned alot from what I have been thru. Some have said that everything happens for a reason. Who knows? The best I can do with what I have learned is to share it with others to help other people who suffer like I have in hopes that they can heal too. You are a beautiful woman inside and out, not to mention extremely intelligent. I am proud to call you my child. You are such a strong woman. Stop and think what you have accomplished all on your own. You are on your own journey in this life, just as we all are. And life is not easy for anyone. We all have our ups and downs. Just remember, no matter how hard it gets at times to never give up! It will get better. Tomorrow is another day. And there is someone or something out there that hears our prayers. Stay positive and enjoy your life!! You can do what ever you want with it. Do what makes you happy!

I love you so much!!!
Mama😚

Rabbit Hole

Into a well
She did fall
So very deep
So very far
On her knees
She began to pray
Over and over
Every day
Years went by
She had no choice
Because she thought
No one heard her voice
But to climb
With her nails
Slowing scraping
Up the well
All the time
To escape her hell
Then one night
It appeared
From far away
It she feared
She closed her eyes
For it was bright
And so very white
This shinning light
What is this?
Could it be?
An angel heard her
Finally

dMk.Butterfly