I’m the dreamer who never lived. I’m the dreamer stuck in her head. Still trying to survive. Got caught up in the 9 to 5…so to speak. Still trying to fit in. Trying to be normal so to speak. Whatever that is.

The artist that lives somewhere deep in my heart has been buried so deep and may never be realized in this life.

Why? Money is one reason. I have to survive. Go to work and pay my bills. No time or energy left at the end of the day to pursue what makes me happy. Have to clean, do laundry, take care of my dog and cat. The normal things people do. Something has to give. I’m getting older.

I wonder if others have similar dreams? Music is my first love, then art. I like to write too.

I very much want to say everything. Everything that I’ve been holding inside for years.

I’ve suffered a very long debilitating battle with bi-polar disorder since I was diagnosed at 23 yrs old. I am now 50 yrs old. I’ve had numerous nervous breakdowns over the past 27 yrs. and have been hospitalized many times.

It’s a long story. It all started sortly after I was pushed into a cultlike religion by my mother when I was still a teenager.

Anyway, I never felt free to be me and do what I wanted with my life which caused me to sink into a deep depression.

Now many years later, I still am dreaming the same dreams I had as a child. To be an artist or performer in some way.

It’s a very tiring and naging dream that won’t go away. I thought that I would outgrow it. I thought that it would leave me alone one day. This dream I have in my head.

I thought maybe by writing about it that it would help. It’s so hard to hold a job when you want to stay up late and write and play music.

It’s hard to manage an illness you hide from people at work because you don’t want them to judge you because you have a mental illness. And believe me, people do judge.

I mostly stay home anymore. I don’t go out much. My only daughter moved to Los Angeles last year. I’ve been divorced a long time. I had a couple boyfriend’s over the years since my divorce. I’ve been single for the last 3 yrs. and I don’t want a relationship still. I’m bored with my city I live in.

I want to move to Los Angeles to be near my daughter and try to pursue my dreams before the door will be completely closed for me because I’m too old.

But money is the issue. It’s so hard to let go of my dreams. Why can’t I just grow the fuck up? I struggle with this still since I was a child.

I always would daydream of dancing as a young girl. Dancing made me happy and I enjoyed it so much. It was music that moved me. My true love was always music. But I never pursued it.

I was not encouraged to pursue my dreams or go to college or to even get a job like most people because of the religion that I was pushed into when I was young.

Anyway, here I am sitting here on my sofa tired after work, have to clean the messes my dog and cat left for me and a pile of dishes and laundry waiting to be done. My back and hip hurts after being on my feet all day. But that’s life right? Trying to make a living meanwhile dreams fade and slip away and before you know it, your dead…lol.

Sounds depressing and morbid but I know I’m not the only one who thinks this. And for those that are happy with their normal boring jobs and lives, God bless you and more power to you.

I’m trying still to be like them sadly enough. But after 7 or more nervous breakdowns that I can remember, and “breaking on thru to the other side” so to speak, I will probably never be normal.

And when I come to think of it, why do I want to be? I just wonder sometimes what kind of artist I could have been if the religion and mental illness and trying to survive didn’t get in my way?

From age 23yrs to about 35 I was bed ridden with debilitating depression. So terribly deep I’m lucky I didn’t kill myself.

I thought about it often but never really tried. I truly understand why some people take their own life. I pulled myself up from the depths of Hell and am now much more mentally healthy and strong but I lost my youth.

I call them my beautiful years. I was called beautiful and gorgeous when I was younger and had a killer body to boot. But none of that mattered because I was as good as crippled like someone without legs in a wheelchair. I couldn’t even get up to bathe myself sometimes when the depression was so deep.

As a result I became incredibly spiritual. At a point the medicine only helps so much. I prayed so hard on my hands and knees one night I even saw white light, no joke.

Anyway, I’m lucky to be here and alive and thankful as well. But this nagging dream won’t leave me alone. I know I was born an artist. But I’ve got to realize that life is a continuum and that whatever I don’t accomplish in this life that I can continue on in the next.

That it will all be ok in the end and if it’s not ok, it’s not the end. John Lennon said that not me…lol

So, ok now I feel a little better now. Thanks for tunning in. To be continued I don’t know when. Oh by the way, I turned to positive psychology to help me and it really has been a great help but every now and then I got to be real and speak my truth.

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I like to listen to music while I write. Tonight I am listening to “Catch The Wind” by Donovan, over and over while I smoke a few cigerettes with tears streaming down my face.

I came to a realization this evening. I have been searching and reading philosophy for many years now. Maybe 20 years on and off. I think I am done with thinking for now and trying to figure it all out. Too many religions and philosophies out there. It really doesn’t matter is the conclusion I came up with. Just be and enjoy this life as best as you can.

Everyone is searching and trying to find the answers to ease their pain. Life is short and it’s scary to think that as hard as it is, in the blink of an eye it can all end.

Even in my darkest days when I thought I wanted it to end, that is not really what I wanted. I just wanted the suffering to end, not life.

Life can be beautiful. And love is the greatest gift of all. Enjoy the things that make you happy! Whatever that is for you.

Life is not perfect. It may never be what you dream it to be. Do not get lost in your dreams. Because there are beautiful moments along the way that you may be missing because you keep reaching for something that you don’t have now.

As far as the next life, none of us really know now do we? Not until that time comes. We can pray, meditate, and speculate forever, but don’t loose this life thinking about the next. Live your life right now. For all we really have for now is now. So while you are here, make the best of it!

Everyone wants to be happy and free in life. That is our fundamental right as a human being. Yet many people are not. I personally felt my freedom to choose to live my life the way I wanted was taken from me at a young age. I want to share some personal things about my past in hopes to help others see the value of personal freedom and to help others heal from their past as well.

As a child, I was not encouraged to follow my dreams, go to college, or to pursue my interests in life. I was only encouraged to go to church and study the Bible. I was baptized as an infant Catholic. My mother and father divorced when I was 8 years old. I was raised by my mother who remarried. My mother one day opened our door to Jehovah’s Witnesses and listened to what they were preaching. She then began a Bible study with a husband and wife from the local Kingdom Hall of Jehovah’s Witnesses.

It was the summer before I started my senior year at high school that she insisted I start my own personal Bible study with a young girl who also was a Jehovah’s Witness.

I vividly remember an incident that happened when I was in my bedroom with my neighbor friend. I told my mom I didn’t want to have my Bible study that night. She got so enraged she took this model ship which was sitting on a shelf on my bedroom wall which my grandfather made by hand and threw it across the room with such force that it shattered against the wall in a million pieces.

After that, I never refused to have my Bible study and went to the Kingdom Hall of Jehovah’s Witnesses with my mother every Sunday. It was not long after that I too started believing what Jehovah’s Witnesses taught. Looking back, I realize that their religion is a form of a cult. It is very controlling.

It wasn’t long before I sunk into a deep depression when I woke up one day and realized; I was married to a man I was not in love with who was also a Jehovah’s Witness, all I had to look forward to was going to church 3 times a week and going door to door to preach their message; I had a little baby to take care of, and I was not allowed to speak to my mother because she was disfellowshipped from the organization for committing adultery with an elder in the church. Disfellowshipping is like being ex-communicated. I was not suppose to have any contact with my own mother during this time.

I was lost in this world that was not what I wanted for myself. Their beliefs were ingrained in my head. I suffered deep depression and nightmares for years after I left the organization. I was trapped in my own mind. It took me 20 years to completely deprogram myself.

During this time, I never stopped praying for help. I began to search and read all different kinds of spiritual philosophy in hopes to heal. As I look back, I thank God for letting me see the light. Religion can be very dangerous. Man’s interpretation is just that, man’s interpretation. I understand this very clearly now.

I want to shed light on the dangers or control that religion can have over people’s lives. My search for truth was not easy to say the least. I feel as though I suffered a dark night of the soul coming out of what I did.

I battled mind control and depression for years. I have come a long way but as a result, I lost years of my life. The best I can do with what I have learned from my experiences in life is to share my story a little at a time in hopes to help someone else.

I was angry for many years with my mother for forcing that religion on me. I have worked hard to forgive her. I realize now that she was brainwashed too and was only trying to do what she thought was best for me and my siblings.

I have learned that forgiveness is so important in life. Sometimes we can try to forgive, but we keep bringing up the past. I was guilty of this. I wanted to forgive and move on but it wasn’t always so easy. I was not only hurting my mother by continuing to be angry with her but I was hurting myself as well by not letting go of the past. You cannot heal from your pain unless you forgive 100%.

I have come along way from where I was. The butterfly which is my logo, represents freedom and happiness. I truly believe that we as humans have the ability to heal from anything. Not only physical pain, but emotional and mental pain as well. We can be imprisoned in our own minds. This is the worst kind of pain. My story is a story of hope and healing. I am still learning everyday about life. I can finally say that I have a sense of freedom and happiness now. I thank God for this.

 

Saw that picture of me and you on Facebook. I’m doing much better now than I was then. I know you are suffering with depression now. I’ve been where you are. Don’t use the excuse that it’s your age. You can do anything you put your mind to! I did it and so can you. You can come out of this and feel better. Anti-depressants only help so much. The rest is up to us. Start with trying not to sleep so much. Exercise and eat better. Read good things that will inspire and uplift you. We never stop growing as a soul. Your body is getting old but your soul is even older…yet youthful full of spirit in it’s true nature. When we get depressed our energy or life force; our spirit, diminishes. That’s what it felt like for me. We all need to heal from things. You are no different than anyone else. You have emotional pain which you need to heal from. And your husband has pain too. That’s probably why he drinks so much. He is self medicating. Anyway, I wanted to say, “I love you mama!” And always have. I don’t blame you anymore for the past. Everything happens for a reason even though we may not understand right now. It’s all a part of our growth. I have learned this. It has not been easy but I have to admit…my life is much better and happier now than it was then, in that picture. I felt like a lost soul then. I have realized that we can’t just dream. To change our reality, we have to change our thinking. And everything takes hard work. I’ve learned to work hard. I just have to focus more on the things I love and enjoy that brings me the most happiness. We learn from each other. Even your sisters and their children’s pain can teach us things. And we can teach them too. I pray that we all heal and become happier as a family. We all came into each other’s life for a reason. You are a good woman. I admire your love and compassion for animals and all that you have done over the years to help them. They truly are innocent angels who need looking out for. They bring people so much love that they are like little angels incarnated. I heard a spiritual teacher once say something like our pets; cats and dogs, are of a higher vibration than us. They only know how to love unconditionally. How people treat them is part of the individuals state of being. If they are angry or uneducated or mentally ill in some way, they will not treat the animals with compassion. These harmful acts only come back to us in some way. This is Karma. Compassion is the main teaching of Buddishm. You have alot of love and compassion for all what Buddhists call, sentient beings. Even the smallest creature like a bug, I remember you setting them free.🐞 You taught me to love all people and to not be prejudice. You have a good heart. I learned many good things from you that are a part of me too. Thank you!! And don’t worry so much. I’m ok. I may not be exactly where I want to be in life at this time, but I’m on the road to getting there. 🙂

Love you lots!!😚

Your daughter

Just wanted to tell you how much I love you!!! And I am extremely proud of you!!! I miss you first and foremost. Just felt like writing to you and saying a few things that are deep in my soul. I have loved you forever and for all eternity. I wanted you before you were born. I don’t blame you for being distant with me. It’s not your fault. I blame myself. I was not mentally present when you were born. I was deeply depressed while I was pregnant with you. And just 6 months after you were born, I had my first and worst ever nervous breakdown. I’m not going to go into all the details of what happened and what pushed me over the edge. That is in the past. I just want you to know I am sorry for not being the mother you deserved. I should have held you more, kissed you more, played with you more, especially when you were a baby. I was a lost soul….I have many regrets. The biggest regret I have is that I did not appreciate the gift that God gave me, “You”!! I was so deeply depressed and it made me very selfish. I was too busy thinking about myself, my anger over what happened to me with the religion, my anger at my own mother, and my lost dreams because of it all. I was so mentally ill that I could barely take care of myself. I was so ashamed of myself because of my illness and not being able to work during that time. I prayed so hard over the years for God to help me get better and for me to see things clearly. I had to search deep and hard because I was so confused about religion and what the truth really is. I never gave up my faith in God and never blamed him for the religion that was pushed on me. Anyway, I am so grateful and thankful that I never gave up. Although many times the depression was so deep, I wanted to. But I am so thankful I never did!!! I got better and better over time. As I look back, it’s hard to believe how far I have come considering what I have been thru. I just wanted you to know that I understand if you have anger towards me or pain because of me. I am so very sorry for this!!! I never meant to hurt you. I am so very sorry for causing your life to be harder than it should have been. If I could go back in time and be the happy healthier version of my true self, I would have been more present in your life mentally and emotionally. But I cannot go back in time and change what happened. Whatever emotional wounds I have caused you, I pray that you forgive me! Don’t carry that inside. You need to heal as well. I learned alot from what I have been thru. Some have said that everything happens for a reason. Who knows? The best I can do with what I have learned is to share it with others to help other people who suffer like I have in hopes that they can heal too. You are a beautiful woman inside and out, not to mention extremely intelligent. I am proud to call you my child. You are such a strong woman. Stop and think what you have accomplished all on your own. You are on your own journey in this life, just as we all are. And life is not easy for anyone. We all have our ups and downs. Just remember, no matter how hard it gets at times to never give up! It will get better. Tomorrow is another day. And there is someone or something out there that hears our prayers. Stay positive and enjoy your life!! You can do what ever you want with it. Do what makes you happy!

I love you so much!!!
Mama😚

Into a well
She did fall
So very deep
So very far
On her knees
She began to pray
Over and over
Every day
Years went by
She had no choice
Because she thought
No one heard her voice
But to climb
With her nails
Slowing scraping
Up the well
All the time
To escape her hell
Then one night
It appeared
From far away
It she feared
She closed her eyes
For it was bright
And so very white
This shinning light
What is this?
Could it be?
An angel heard her
Finally

dMk.Butterfly

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